Nothing can prepare you for the next days and moments to come. It comes and goes in waves for me. I am numb throughout the day but every now and then i will start to cry.
We leave the house together, hand-in-hand because we are the only thing holding each other up from collapsing into a puddle of sorrow and deep regret. That is when you realize that life goes on, and it is going on all around you. All while you are screaming inside and no one knows that less than 24hrs ago, you have just endured the most tragic loss. You all of a sudden notice babies at every corner and cute carseat covers and baby coos and tiny onesies and you can't help but imagine the life you were so close to obtaining. It hurts. Like everyone is there to rub it in your face while they laugh about a funny joke someone just told and all the while, you are so empty inside. "Don't they know??" "Does anyone even care??"
I hate leaving the house. I have to get items and food and i have to act normal in public. I have to go back to work. I have to pretend that i am ok because i am not ready to discuss my experience out loud and i am not ready to hear the "I'm sorrys" because they have nothing better to say. And if one person says "God always has a plan" or brings God into this, I am ready to lash out! I'm not prepared for all of the broken, pitiful looks my way and the whispers behind me. I wish i could just crawl into bed and sleep all day so that i do not have to feel this sharp pain in my chest, this empty feeling.
My husband returns to work on Thursday and i am off again but this time i am home alone. He messages me to tell me that it is all he can do not to go off somewhere and cry, he is so sad and I have not seen him cry yet. I feel he is trying to keep it together for me. At lunch, his coworkers proceed to ask him if he is excited to be a dad and tell him parenting stories and advice and it is the most horrific experience he has to sit and endure because he is not ready for the pitiful looks and the "I'm sorrys". It's all too much to endure right now. My heart breaks for him. He would've made an amazing dad.
Where do you go from here? I wonder if it gets easier and when that will be for me. I am scared to be pregnant again because what if it ends as a miscarriage again. Pregnancy is now associated with fear and heartbreak for me. And now, Halloween at 9pm will always be remembered as the horrendous experience i had with this pregnancy loss and the emotions that followed. I am afraid and i am heart broken for our sweet baby.
We leave the house together, hand-in-hand because we are the only thing holding each other up from collapsing into a puddle of sorrow and deep regret. That is when you realize that life goes on, and it is going on all around you. All while you are screaming inside and no one knows that less than 24hrs ago, you have just endured the most tragic loss. You all of a sudden notice babies at every corner and cute carseat covers and baby coos and tiny onesies and you can't help but imagine the life you were so close to obtaining. It hurts. Like everyone is there to rub it in your face while they laugh about a funny joke someone just told and all the while, you are so empty inside. "Don't they know??" "Does anyone even care??"
I hate leaving the house. I have to get items and food and i have to act normal in public. I have to go back to work. I have to pretend that i am ok because i am not ready to discuss my experience out loud and i am not ready to hear the "I'm sorrys" because they have nothing better to say. And if one person says "God always has a plan" or brings God into this, I am ready to lash out! I'm not prepared for all of the broken, pitiful looks my way and the whispers behind me. I wish i could just crawl into bed and sleep all day so that i do not have to feel this sharp pain in my chest, this empty feeling.
My husband returns to work on Thursday and i am off again but this time i am home alone. He messages me to tell me that it is all he can do not to go off somewhere and cry, he is so sad and I have not seen him cry yet. I feel he is trying to keep it together for me. At lunch, his coworkers proceed to ask him if he is excited to be a dad and tell him parenting stories and advice and it is the most horrific experience he has to sit and endure because he is not ready for the pitiful looks and the "I'm sorrys". It's all too much to endure right now. My heart breaks for him. He would've made an amazing dad.
Where do you go from here? I wonder if it gets easier and when that will be for me. I am scared to be pregnant again because what if it ends as a miscarriage again. Pregnancy is now associated with fear and heartbreak for me. And now, Halloween at 9pm will always be remembered as the horrendous experience i had with this pregnancy loss and the emotions that followed. I am afraid and i am heart broken for our sweet baby.
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