Hi, my name is Bridgette and I have been happily married for five and a half years. My husband is a nurse and we both work in the medical field but nothing can prepare you for what we were about to experience next. I want to share with you my personal journey through a miscarriage, as i experience it in the now and journey through the grieving process. And I'm hoping to also gain therapeutic healing as i share all of my experiences with you. I hope you can gain some comfort in knowing you are not alone. 1 in 4 women will miscarry atleast once in their lifetime. While i know this today, it does not lighten the blow that hits you when you lose the very life you have planned and prepared for and imagined a future with. And the worst part, when you finally decide it is "safe" to reveal your pregnancy to family and friends, only to lose your baby shortly after...
So here is my story and the beginning of my journey.
Words cannot express the feeling of seeing this life inside of you, knowing it is relying on you to make smart decisions and provide the proper nutrients so baby can grow and develop and make a successful delivery into this world. When we saw our baby's beating heart, it was love at first sight. We began to look at beds and strollers and blankets and decor and even began prepping the guest room for the transition to our very first nursery!! My mom took me shopping. We bought maternity clothes and i got the newborn baby overalls set with little colorful dinosaurs all over it that my husband and i saw a few weeks back when we first found out we were pregnant.
Every day was exciting and magical and i documented every activity, step, symptom and supplement. I tracked baby's development from conception and shared weekly growth updates with friends and family. I worked a physically demanding job so i found a location where i could work light duty and did not have to pull any patients. I took everything easy and stayed away from strenuous exercise. I was doing prenatal yoga daily and preparing my body and mind for the duration of my pregnancy and delivery day. I was emotionally invested and had already formed a bond with our baby, which we were so positive was a boy. We called him Baby Jenkie and we already had a list of names prepared. I framed each ultrasound we had, which was 2 before our loss.
Our first ultrasound was on October 5th and baby Jenkie was 5 weeks and 6 days.
Baby measured 3/4" and HR was 112. It had just started beating a few days prior and baby was mostly all heart.
Halloween day, 2017. It was an off day from work for me and my husband was working a 12 hour shift at the hospital. I mostly lounged around the house, did some laundry, light cleaning, etc. All day i took it easy since i was feeling unwell and had a lot of pressure in my abdomen and pelvic region. I just chocked it up to gas. This lasted all day and the discomfort was unbearable at times but would pass eventually. Until it didn't. The sharp pain i felt next, i can describe only by saying it was like piercing your nails into my pelvis and digging in, like your worst cramps except they don't subside but hold at a 10 pain level. By 9pm i had a miscarriage while home alone.
Moments later, i feel a single clot pass and i look and see my placenta and the cord and i knew i had just had a miscarriage.. I allow the dizziness to subside and i grab a pair of medical gloves and reach in as i sit on the floor to analyze what i think is my baby's sac.. I see an object floating around inside and then these two black dots i knew to be eyes and i am 100% sure i am holding my 10 week old baby in my gloved hand. I begin to cry uncontrollably. My husband calls me around the point that i notice i am holding the baby and he sits on the phone with me his entire drive home, as i cry. I sit there holding my baby for about 25 minutes when Adam, my husband, finally returns home. He sits on the floor beside me and holds me and i cannot let our baby go just yet. I decide to open the sac to see my baby. He has delicate, flat hands with fingers and feet with toes and he has facial features; eyes, a tiny beginning of a nose. His head is the most developed part of him. As i hold him, he slowly disintegrates in my gloved hand and i watch him fall apart, holding his head in my left gloved hand and the rest of his delicate body in my right. My husband tells me it's time to let him go. He is falling apart right before us. So i let him go and i cry for an amount of time until we decide to get up and go to bed. My husband calls the hospital and we both take off work the next day.
This year, we decided to try for our first baby and after several months of the birth control leaving my system, and wondering if it will happen for us because the wait feels like an eternity, we finally conceived and had our first ultrasound, early October where we saw our beautiful baby's beating heart and we fell in love. Our due date was set for June 1st, 2018.
It begins in the kitchen, this tight, sharp pain that will not loosen up is excrutiating and making me nauseas and light headed. I was doing dishes when i fell to the floor, clutching my abdomen where i begin screaming out and crying in pain. I manage to crawl to the bathroom where i lie against the toilet and am sick to my stomach. The pain is not loosening and i begin to take deep breaths, trying to control my breathing and just relax, thinking maybe if i can relax, the pain will subside, but i can't stop from crying out. It is relentless.
I begin to run my options through my head, should i call my parents who live an hour away, my neighbors who probably just put their baby to bed a couple hours prior.. and what if its all for nothing? I would've been so embarrassed. I manage to call my husband who is at work as i am crying in agony, pleading with him to come home. He is able to leave right away and head home. I begin to pass large blood clots and i have to lay back because the whole process is making me feel light-headed and dizzy and i am trying to relax and breathe but i know something is seriously wrong.
I stay up most the night.. I can't sleep as i run the entire experience over and over again in my head. And the slight cramps are still present, a constant reminder of my most recent tragic loss.
So here is my story and the beginning of my journey.
 |
| Our announcement |
Words cannot express the feeling of seeing this life inside of you, knowing it is relying on you to make smart decisions and provide the proper nutrients so baby can grow and develop and make a successful delivery into this world. When we saw our baby's beating heart, it was love at first sight. We began to look at beds and strollers and blankets and decor and even began prepping the guest room for the transition to our very first nursery!! My mom took me shopping. We bought maternity clothes and i got the newborn baby overalls set with little colorful dinosaurs all over it that my husband and i saw a few weeks back when we first found out we were pregnant.
Every day was exciting and magical and i documented every activity, step, symptom and supplement. I tracked baby's development from conception and shared weekly growth updates with friends and family. I worked a physically demanding job so i found a location where i could work light duty and did not have to pull any patients. I took everything easy and stayed away from strenuous exercise. I was doing prenatal yoga daily and preparing my body and mind for the duration of my pregnancy and delivery day. I was emotionally invested and had already formed a bond with our baby, which we were so positive was a boy. We called him Baby Jenkie and we already had a list of names prepared. I framed each ultrasound we had, which was 2 before our loss.
Our first ultrasound was on October 5th and baby Jenkie was 5 weeks and 6 days.
 |
| Baby Jenkie at 6 weeks |
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| Baby Jenkie at 9 weeks |
Our second ultrasound was scheduled due to a miscarriage concern by myself on Oct 25th. I had been bleeding since our last ultrasound, daily, going through 2 liners a day for 3 weeks when i was finally able to convince my OB's staff of a 2nd ultrasound because i had done some research and did not feel right about my bleeding.. The US tech reported my US as just fine and baby measured just over an inch and HR was showing 122. She told me that not every pregnancy was the same and i shouldn't compare my pregnancy to others because some women bleed through their entire pregnancy, which i agreed to understand. There is not a cookie cutter experience for pregnancy. I made peace with the bleeding and my symptoms, including the abdominal cramps. I did not know that 6 days later what i would experience would be the most physically and emotionally painful experience of my life. I had a miscarriage right at 10 weeks.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION IS DESCRIPTIVE AND GRAPHIC. IT IS NOT MY INTENTION TO OFFEND ANYONE BUT THIS IS MY PERSONAL JOURNEY AND MY EXPERIENCE ALONG THE WAY AND I HAVE TO WRITE IT ALL OUT HOW I REMEMBER IT SO THAT I CAN BEGIN THE HEALING PROCESS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
Halloween day, 2017. It was an off day from work for me and my husband was working a 12 hour shift at the hospital. I mostly lounged around the house, did some laundry, light cleaning, etc. All day i took it easy since i was feeling unwell and had a lot of pressure in my abdomen and pelvic region. I just chocked it up to gas. This lasted all day and the discomfort was unbearable at times but would pass eventually. Until it didn't. The sharp pain i felt next, i can describe only by saying it was like piercing your nails into my pelvis and digging in, like your worst cramps except they don't subside but hold at a 10 pain level. By 9pm i had a miscarriage while home alone.
Moments later, i feel a single clot pass and i look and see my placenta and the cord and i knew i had just had a miscarriage.. I allow the dizziness to subside and i grab a pair of medical gloves and reach in as i sit on the floor to analyze what i think is my baby's sac.. I see an object floating around inside and then these two black dots i knew to be eyes and i am 100% sure i am holding my 10 week old baby in my gloved hand. I begin to cry uncontrollably. My husband calls me around the point that i notice i am holding the baby and he sits on the phone with me his entire drive home, as i cry. I sit there holding my baby for about 25 minutes when Adam, my husband, finally returns home. He sits on the floor beside me and holds me and i cannot let our baby go just yet. I decide to open the sac to see my baby. He has delicate, flat hands with fingers and feet with toes and he has facial features; eyes, a tiny beginning of a nose. His head is the most developed part of him. As i hold him, he slowly disintegrates in my gloved hand and i watch him fall apart, holding his head in my left gloved hand and the rest of his delicate body in my right. My husband tells me it's time to let him go. He is falling apart right before us. So i let him go and i cry for an amount of time until we decide to get up and go to bed. My husband calls the hospital and we both take off work the next day.
This year, we decided to try for our first baby and after several months of the birth control leaving my system, and wondering if it will happen for us because the wait feels like an eternity, we finally conceived and had our first ultrasound, early October where we saw our beautiful baby's beating heart and we fell in love. Our due date was set for June 1st, 2018.
It begins in the kitchen, this tight, sharp pain that will not loosen up is excrutiating and making me nauseas and light headed. I was doing dishes when i fell to the floor, clutching my abdomen where i begin screaming out and crying in pain. I manage to crawl to the bathroom where i lie against the toilet and am sick to my stomach. The pain is not loosening and i begin to take deep breaths, trying to control my breathing and just relax, thinking maybe if i can relax, the pain will subside, but i can't stop from crying out. It is relentless.
I begin to run my options through my head, should i call my parents who live an hour away, my neighbors who probably just put their baby to bed a couple hours prior.. and what if its all for nothing? I would've been so embarrassed. I manage to call my husband who is at work as i am crying in agony, pleading with him to come home. He is able to leave right away and head home. I begin to pass large blood clots and i have to lay back because the whole process is making me feel light-headed and dizzy and i am trying to relax and breathe but i know something is seriously wrong.
I stay up most the night.. I can't sleep as i run the entire experience over and over again in my head. And the slight cramps are still present, a constant reminder of my most recent tragic loss.
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